I swear, I really intended to post more, but I’ve been trying to come up with something interesting to talk about rather than just babble on about mundane crap (that’s what Twitter is for…). Looking back over previous posts, I hoped to find some common thread that would inspire a new blog entry, and I came up with only one real consistency– me getting mad at something and giving said thing what-for. Okay, so there’s an approach, but as I pondered that idea, I realized I just wasn’t that pissed about anything lately. That’s not to imply that life since the last post has been all Pollyanna-sunshine-and-unicorns, but I think it’s just because work has been busy enough that I haven’t had the time to really get my dander up about anything in particular. Well, that’s not true– there have been things a-plenty at work to get annoyed by, but who really wants to hear me gripe about work? (Again, that’s what Twitter is for.) So then it hit me: I should pick things at random and get angry at them for no good reason. So here we go, in no particular order….
1) Coffee Mugs. Yeah, coffee mug sitting on my desk right now, I’m talking to YOU. Smug little bastard. Right there in your name, you’re trying to dictate to me how I should use you. Seriously, have any of you readers out there tried drinking other beverages from a coffee mug other than coffee? Just feels weird, right? Well, that’s all your fault, shitty little coffee mug. If you called yourself something else, like say, “MUG”, then I’d feel free to employ your liquid containing prowess however I saw fit, but nooooo, you’re a goddamned COFFEE mug and stubbornly insist on containing coffee. Up yours.
2) Well-manicured Lawns: “Oh, look at how lusciously GREEN I am! Look how neatly trimmed my edges are!” Suck it, well-manicured lawn. You’re not a fucking golf course, so what right do you have to be so uniform in surface? I live in a condo, and you know what my lawn is? A concrete slab and bark mulch. That’s right, asshole–surfaces that require NO mowing. If I wanted a cushiony surface, I’d go back inside and stand on the rug. You suck.
3) Very Small Dogs: I’ve had it up to HERE with you guys (*holds hand at mid-shin height*). Yeah, wag your stubby little tails and give me that beady-eyed stare all you want, you’re still useless to me. Have you ever once offered to drive me to the airport? Wanna do my taxes for me? How about getting that thing for me that’s on that high-up shelf? No, no, and no! You can’t drive, you suck at math, and the shelf is too high because you’re VERY FUCKING SMALL. Forget it, just go get me a beer from the fridge… oh, right, you don’t have hands so you can’t open the damn door, and even if you could, the bottle opener is totally out of the question. Yeah, just go poop on the lawn some more, you little freeloaders.
4) Fingernails: For the love of God, someone explain to me what these things are for. When bitten rapidly, they can indicate that a cartoon character is anxious, but beyond that? You know what, I’m just not going to get into it with you, fingernails. You’re dead to me.
5) My iPad: You evil, evil bastard. How DARE you be so awesome? You and your convenient size and heft, your responsive touch-screen, your wireless-N AND bluetooth? Oh man, if you were a dude I’d sock you right in your state-of-the-art teeth. Oh, crap… wait, wait, wait. I didn’t mean it, iPad. You know I love you. I just get cranky sometimes, and I don’t mean to take it out on you, and… shhhhh… it’s alright. Look, how about you and I spend some quality Plants vs. Zombies time together, and everything will be all better. I can’t stay mad at you…